Part two: Why is this happening?
I’ve thought a lot about why this dating problem exists, and I have to admit I haven’t come to a solid conclusion. I’m basing all of my speculation on the fact that since these guys are going to a student ward, they are actually interested in dating. This may or may not be true. These guys could just see the student ward as the lesser of two evils. But since I know these guys I’m hypothesizing about, I’m fairly confident in saying that most, if not all, of them do want to date/get married in the near future, so I’m just going to go with that assumption.
So, the reasons I have come up with, in no particular order:
The guys are intimidated by such attractive, successful women: I guess this could be true. I generally don’t find many girls at church intimidating myself, but then again, I’m not considering putting myself out there and asking them on dates, so maybe…
There is a fear that the girls at church have too high of standards for who they want to date, and the guys feel they don’t match up: I don’t know. I don’t see this being a huge issue. I see girls talk and try to flirt with these guys all the time, with no results. And I’ve seen (more than once) a guy make it blatantly obvious that he wasn’t interested in a girl (who was in no way beneath him) whom he had just met. I'm pretty sure that in this circumstance the guy hadn't had a chance to scope out the girl and her "too high standards" yet. Which leads me to…
The guys feel they can do better: Better than what? Maybe they are looking for trophy wives? That doesn’t really seem to be consistent with whole Gospel plan, if you know what I mean.
Mormon guys are more picky than the non-Mormon guys because they are looking for a wife, not just a hook-up: (For the record, I'm not saying that all non-Mormon guys are looking for just a hook-up. I'm only repeated an excuse I've actually heard) I've actually heard someone give me this excuse. Ok, well, if that was the case you should be less shallow than those guys (who I know would like to date many of the girls at church) and give all of these great girls a chance strictly based on personality. Next!
I’m not really in the mood to date just to date: Well what are you in the mood for? To go on a first date with someone you’re already in love with? That kind of defeats the purpose of dating. And it's a little weird.
Guys at church are afraid that if they ask a girl out more than once she will think he wants to be in a serious relationship with her: I must admit there might be a grain of truth to this one. Lets face it, when you haven’t been asked on a second date in five years (that’s an exaggeration, for those of you curious about my personal life) you might begin to think that a second date means more than that a guy wants to spend a few hours with you to get to know you better. But guys, don’t worry about this one. I’ve spoken to a lot of friends, and we all agree: Second date proposals kind of freak us out.
These guys have issues: I feel like it’s okay for me to come out and say this because I’ll admit it, I have issues too. We all do. So if a guy told me he didn’t date because he had a low self-esteem, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, or because he was depressed, I would get it. I don’t feel like I know the guys well enough to come to this conclusion, but it may very be an issue. P.S. I’m totally not saying that I have any of those above issues myself. Especially Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Not that it’s wrong if you do have it.
Do you have any possibilities to add? Maybe the reason doesn’t matter. Maybe all that matters is the solution.
To be continued…
7 comments:
I can't believe you suggested I.B.S. as a reason for not dating. That's pretty funny.
Great post! I love the points you made, and I would be curious to hear what some of the guys in the ward think about these points. I've heard some of them say these things myself and I'm pretty sure I know who you were referring to with the "I've seen a guy make it blatantly obvious that he wasn't interested in a girl he whom he had just met..." lol Ouch.
I've also heard one of them repeatedly say he doesn't want to date just to date. I don't know how else he expects to get to know someone. I think it's rare for two people to fall in love with each other just from hanging out at ward activities together. And going out a couple times doesn't mean you have to get engaged! What's he so afraid of?
One more thing on that point, I agree that women in the ward aren't as quick to jump to the conclusion that the guy wants to marry them after one or two dates as the guys think we/they are. It's insulting that some might think that. Hopefully they don't.
Can't wait for part three! (but no pressure) ;)
Sorry Elizabeth, but I could not disagree more. The easiest possible place to fall in love is either A: The lobby at church where everyone else can hear/interrupt your converation, or B: Some type of ward activity at the Institute where everyone can hear/interrupt your conversation.
Two more situations that you haven't considered:
Guy is too shy to ask Girl X out, but afraid that if he asks Girl Y out, the whole ward will think that they are dating, ruining the potential opportunity for a future date with Girl X, who will assume that the guy is a jerkface who dumped Girl Y for no apparent reason.
Situation 2;
Think about it. The Mormon guys who know how to date are already married. You're stuck with the ones who don't. Sorry.
Brady, I'm really glad a guy commented.
The two situations you presented are definitely factors. The gossiping of the ward is a huge problem. People in Utah solve that (or say they do at least) by saying they will only date people outside of their own ward. That's not really an option here though.
As for option two, are they really bad at dating or just out of practice?
What do you suggest girls do differently?
I totally see where you're coming from with that, Brady. I've heard guys say that (the first point) many times. The thing is, you just have to power through. That's my opinion anyway. Ask girls out - more than one girl even. Although I'm sure there are some girls who won't understand it as much as others, MOST of us don't mind at all. I can think of several guys over the years in the ward who were known as "daters" - meaning they asked lots of girls out. Most girls totally liked it. It took a lot of the pressure off! We knew that if the guy asked us out, it was not a big deal and we could just have fun with him and get to know him.
I think people over think this stuff too much. (I know I'm guilty of that.) Also, I think guys shouldn't worry so much about what other girls might think. What I mean is, most girls don't get as freaked out by a guy dating someone they know then asking them out later (I mean, unless the girl the guy dumped was their best friend - but that sort of goes without saying).
I meant to end that sentence with: we won't be as freaked out as they think we will. Maybe not even freaked out at all.
I think I mentioned this before, but I'm so glad that you're getting this all out there, Christi! I think that those are all valid concerns on the part of the guys. I've often thought that I'm glad that I don't have to do the asking (usually), because it's a lot of pressure. I agree with Elizabeth that the guys we've had in the ward who were daters weren't scary or known as "players," they just wanted to get to know as many girls as they could. What happened to that philosophy? Oh, well. I personally am waiting for love at first sight.
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